After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
