Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
