I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize