I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
babies were throwing up all over the place
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
