I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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