You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
that's an acceptable place to lick
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize