After last night, I could never be a politician.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Houston, we have a blender
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
