Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
