We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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