Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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