So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
