Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
