Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
