Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
