I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
