Too much gin, very little bucket
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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