Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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