The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
