ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
