I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
