That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
