Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
