i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
