i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
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