I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
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