Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
