Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
