I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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