can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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