So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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