You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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