I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
