What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
