If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
