What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
