He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I still have a little drunk in my system
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
