He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
