Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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