WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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