2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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