God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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