alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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