I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
