11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
