Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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