Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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