why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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