my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
