would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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