mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
