I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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