Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
