Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
