I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
True strength comes from lack of pants
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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