when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
