he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
