My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
