I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
