A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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