when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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